you have the kind of dreams that are so out of the box, you’d need to create a whole new universe for this ideal to be a concrete reality. you have the kind of dreams that are elaborate and detailed. for years, i went to bed thinking about a quiet anonymous life in a big city, where my work was my life because i loved it so much. i dreamt of having this big career that i would get excited to tell people about, that it was all i could about it. in the evenings, i would have quiet dinners with one or two individuals i really truly cared about. home cooked meals with a fine wine, sitting on an adult table, having adult conversations.
lately, it’s starting to feel like i have no plan. no grand vision. no path. no step a step b step c and then this that and that. it feels like i’m drifting along life, making decision after the other based on gut and intuition. empty promises to yourself that you’re doing the right thing. you can’t rush into your life. you make careful, deliberate life choices instead of quick ones where you’re stuck deeper into a hole you can’t get out of. you’ve narrowed it down somewhat. you’ll be doing graduate school later in your life. the time to start this working life is now. the apartment, the quiet dinners can happen.
except, the city is not big enough. the career not vital enough. the day in the life not glamorous enough. your skills not as well developed as you’d like. the commute will be soul-sucking. the coworkers won’t be your best friends. you’ll lose your passion for the cause caught up in the mundane.
you feel unprepared, inadequate, small. you wish to take up less space, but the world demands you to expand and be. and deep down, you want to as well.
when did you become so indecisive?
when did you become so scared to make a mistake or two?
when did you start to feel the need to be still instead of just going for it without looking back?
when did you doubt your confident, your skill?
when did you need to be presented as perfect, absolutely flawlessly?
when did you stop wanting to be a human who feels things and cries and gets hurt?
when did it become so impossible to choose love when it came knocking at your door?
or perhaps, it’s the understanding of your limitations. you understand and respect that there are things in life you’re not prepared for, and understand that growth and preparedness will come a day at a time. that you’re in no rush to have your heart broken by life, by your parents, or by an individual, or by disappointment that can’t be changed. that you’ve always taken life too seriously to brush things of. that when something stabs deep down, you break a little bit, and even if those broken pieces can still be mended, you choose self self-preservation.
you do live in a world of carpe diem, and #YOLO and you believe in the power of it. but, having and respecting limitations isn’t a weakness. if anything, there’s a strength in acknowledging its presence in the room.